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Ask Ed & Red

Ed The Sock And His Gal Red
In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE,
our readers bare their souls to
Ed & Red, Canada's high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red's unfettered and heartfelt replies.

Send your own questions to ed@faze.ca and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.

ISSUE #40 Q & A

Faze Reader:
How young is too young? To date someone, that is. I’ve been hooking up with this guy who is two years younger than me, and WHEN MY FRIENDS FOUND OUT, THEY FREAKED. They keep asking me when I’m going to stop “babysitting” and join the adult world of real relationships. I don’t like that he’s younger, but I do like him. Are my friends right? Is someone that much younger not mature enough for a relationship?
ED:
Age and maturity aren’t the same things, as your idiot friends are demonstrating. The real babies are people who make judgments based on irrelevant factors—age, skin colour, religion—instead of basing them on the individual. There are very few people in this world who aren’t morons, so you can’t afford to eliminate anyone good. Oh, and by the way: two years difference does not an adult make.
RED:
Having no idea what your ages actually are, I have no idea. If this kid is under the age of 14, and you’re actually slightly more than two years older, then what you’re doing is illegal. Otherwise, hey, weirder relationships have happened. If you were a guy, you’d be Harry Potter.


Faze Reader:
All of my friends are planning to get matching tattoos on our grad trip this summer in Mexico, as a way of remembering the fun times before we all go away to different schools. I’M A BIT SCARED OF THE PAIN, BUT I DO WANT TO BE A PART OF IT ALL. What should I do?
ED:
First, give your head a shake. You want to remember the fun times? Take a frickin’ picture. A picture you can take out and put away, instead of having to permanently look at it on your eventually flabby skin. And in Mexico?? Hey, if you’re a fan of the spider-web motif, I understand there is some fine work being done on necks by inmates at your local prison. Idiot.
RED:
If you have any doubts about getting a tattoo, don’t do it. You will remember the fun times you had with or without ink on your skin. And you really don’t want to go to a shop you don’t know. You want to find a competent tattoo artist through solid recommendations, and one who is close enough to where you live to do touch-ups if they’re needed.


Faze Reader:
I really like this guy from my French class: he’s cute, super-smart and he makes me laugh, but he’s shorter than me. Like, A LOT shorter. Even when I wear flats. I know he’s getting close to asking me out (there have been some not-so-subtle hints), but I honestly don’t think I could say yes. IS THERE A NICE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEY JUST DON’T MATCH WITH THE HIGH HEELS YOU WANT TO WEAR TO PROM?
ED:
How about you do a little role reversal: how would you feel if you had a mutual attraction to a guy, but he decided he didn’t like the shape of your bum, or size of your…um…earlobes…and didn’t go out with you. You’d think he was passing up something good for something trivial, wouldn’t you? Okay, I’ll let you put the puzzle pieces together. And don’t feel too bad about being shallow—that’s what teen years are for.
RED:
Uh...no. No there isn’t. You’re looking for an accessory, not a relationship. If you want to let him down easy, just make it clear how shallow you are. He’ll lose interest pretty fast. And extra points for leading him on. Real nice.


Faze Reader:
While my parents were out of town, my sister and I threw this huge party at our house. Way too many people came (read: it was an amazing success), but things never got out of hand (read: no one barfed in the herb garden) and we managed to get the house clean before they got back (read: we got zero hours of sleep that night). BUT A FEW DAYS LATER MY MOM FOUND A SMALL BAG OF “SPECIAL” HERBS (read: Mary Jane) in between the couch cushions. Someone must have left it behind at the party. Our parents have grounded us both until we can explain its origins. So, what’s worse: coming clean about the monster bash that made us legends of a small town by betraying our parents’ trust? Or, falsely fessing up to the crime of chronic?
ED:
This question is too stupid for words. You really need us to tell you the obvious answer? No wonder your parents think you’re on drugs.
RED:
Well, if you’re legends of a small town (read: other kids’ parents already know about what you did because their kids came home drunk and/or stoned) then it’s only a matter of time before your parents find out (read: discover you’re liars, and bad ones at that). And seriously, I think your parents would prefer to find out that their kids had a party as opposed to a drug habit.


Look out for Ed's compilation CD!
Featuring "songs that don't suck"
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, LiveOnRelease and more)




Follow Faze on Twitter @FazeMagazine





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