In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send in your own questions and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.
ISSUE #13 Q & A
Faze Reader:
It used to sound cute when my boyfriend called me his bitch, but now I’m sick of it and he won’t stop. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Cute? Cute is a puppy, a bitch is a full-grown dog—and so is your boyfriend. Find yourself someone who treats you with respect and deserves yours. Ditch this suburban, mall-food-court-dwelling wannabe.
Faze Reader:
I think I’m a straight-up person. If I want to know something I ask. “So, did you do it?/How far’d you get?/Why’d you break up?” Some people call me nosy but I like to know that my info is real. Anything wrong with that?
ED REPLIES:
Curiosity is a fundamental human trait. It’s what got us out of the caves, led us to kindle fire, to build cities, develop sciences, and formulate philosophies. It’s also what is likely to get your ass kicked. There’s a thing called ‘tact’—look it up. Then use it. Oh, and judging by your list of ‘questions,’ maybe you should get a life instead of trying to live through others.
Faze Reader:
For the last four months my boyfriend has wanted an open relationship where he can see other people because he says he’s not sure if I’m ‘the one.’ How much more time do you think I should give him to figure things out?
ED REPLIES:
Hang on, let me check my watch…okay, that’s plenty. An “open relationship” is an oxymoron, and your boyfriend no doubt fits the latter part of that term. Kick him to the curb and find someone who understands that a relationship is a commitment, not a booth at a flea market.
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend always says stuff like, “I’d like to get my hands on that J.Lo booty,” and “I know what I’d make Angelina [Jolie] do with those lips,” and “give me five minutes with Britney and I’ll make her a woman.” I know it sounds stupid but I get jealous. Should I be?
ED REPLIES:
Well, what are the chances he’ll get within 500 miles of any of them? And furthermore, he wouldn’t need five minutes with Britney, more like five seconds. He’s just talking, and it’s up to you if you feel like listening. Besides, he’d need more than two hands for JLo’s booty.
Faze Reader:
My girl gave me a dawg ugly necklace for my birthday and keeps asking me why I’m not wearing it. I know she made it herself and I feel kinda bad, but come on! How do I get out of this?
ED REPLIES:
Join the military.
Faze Reader:
What is up? I think I’m cute. I wear sexy clothes (short skirts, show a lot of skin), and I consider myself a major party girl, but I still can’t keep a boyfriend for longer than two weeks? I’m running out of guys at school to date! What exactly are you guys looking for?
ED REPLIES:
What is ‘up’? I think you know, and that’s the problem. I’m surprised you keep these guys interested for two whole weeks. You’re selling the sizzle, not the steak…and nothing sizzles for very long. Dressing sexy sometimes is fine, but dressing like that all the time just makes you into an object, and objects get boring. Try covering a little of that skin and you might pique their curiosity instead of their libido.
Faze Reader:
My friend’s new friend says she should dump me because my ‘geek factor’ is too high. I get good grades, I work on the yearbook and I can play chess. I want to keep up my grades but I’m considering ditching the yearbook, and I can always play chess on my computer. What do you think?
ED REPLIES:
I wouldn’t quit anything, since this isn’t about anything that’s ‘wrong’ with you. This is a test for your girlfriend: is she going to let her friends run her life, or will she make her own choices? Either way, you’ll find out whether she’s worthy or not. And if she goes with her friends…well, until the next girl comes along, you can find a lot more to do online than chess.
Get Ed’s compilation CD, Featuring “songs that don’t suck”
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, Live On Release and more)
Read a ton from Ed The Sock and his partner Red RIGHT HERE at fazeteen.com/ask-ed
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