In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send in your own questions and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.
ISSUE #23 Q & A
Faze Reader:
I’m a lipgloss girl. I love it and I’ve always got some on me. The thing is, I hate it when someone borrows my lipgloss and puts it directly on their lips. It totally grosses me out, so I just tell them they can keep it. But it’s starting to cost me a fortune. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Well, two quick answers come to mind: stop letting people use your lipgloss, or stop using lipgloss. I would lean toward the latter. In the 80s, people didn’t know how stupid they looked with lipgloss. In the 21st century, there is no excuse. Or you could always fake a cold sore. Requests for your lipgloss will dry up.
Faze Reader:
The new girl at school (who is really pretty and cool) hangs out with our group sometimes. But she’s always dissing what people wear. So now, I always try to wear brand name stuff so she doesn’t dis on me. I don’t have a lot of money, but I don’t want her to stop hanging out with us. Any tips on how to keep up?
ED REPLIES:
Hang on—how is this girl “cool”? She judges people based on stupid things like nonconformity and perceived wealth (or lack thereof). This isn’t someone cool, this is someone insecure and shallow. Really cool people don’t attempt to act superior based on the clothing they wear. And since “cool” is a perception, you and your friends should let this chick know that you don’t think her comments are cool. If she’s hanging around you guys, she likely needs you more than you need her. Trust me on this.
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend likes to talk from his ass. Seriously. He turns around, grabs his butt cheeks and pretends they’re talking. He thinks he’s being hilarious but I’m just dying of embarrassment! He wants to be a comedian, but sometimes he goes too far. How can I make him see that some things aren’t funny?
ED REPLIES:
I’m afraid he’s beyond hope.
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend has really short hair and he shaves different designs and stuff into it. I told him if he loves me he’ll put my name on his head. It’s been over a month and he still hasn’t done it. Is this his way of saying he doesn’t love me? Should I break up with him?
ED REPLIES:
Well, how could he not love you, since apparently the whole word revolves around you. Is it possible that designs are easy, but shaving in an actual name is much harder? Considering the level of intelligence you’ve displayed, if he is your intellectual equal, he may not know how to spell your name. Get over yourself.
Faze Reader:
Man, I need your help. I’ve got two hunnies that don’t know about each other and I’m really into both of them. The thing is, in a freak way, they met each other! I don’t want to get busted. Any advice on how to keep things straight?
ED REPLIES:
The time to keep things straight was before they met. At this point, you’re toast. Even if you break up with one of them, the other will still find out you had been dating a second girl. Next time, Romeo, make a commitment when you make a commitment.
Faze Reader:
My English teacher is a real #@$%&! I can’t even describe. Got any good pranks from the day? You know, something to put her in her place? (Really, this woman sucks and would totally deserve it!)
ED REPLIES:
Before I share any of my good pranks from “the day”, I would need to be sure that this woman actually deserves it. Judging by your lack of examples and your obviously immature attitude, I‘d say the worst you could do to this woman is stay enrolled in her class. You’re probably a big enough pain in the butt without any extra bells and whistles
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