In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send in your own questions and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.
ISSUE #25 Q & A
Faze Reader:
I gave my fave top to my friend to borrow and now she won’t give it back. She says she loves it and it looks better on her anyway. She just laughs about it when I say I really want it back. How do I get my stuff back?
ED REPLIES:
Get invited over to her place, excuse yourself to go to the washroom, and with ninja-like skill, enter her room and take your shirt back. What’s she going to do, tell you that you can’t take your own shirt?
Faze Reader:
I used to be really hairy. My dad’s a really hairy guy, so I guess that’s where I get it from. It’s not so bad on him because he’s a guy, but when you’re a 14-year-old girl and play lots of sports (so I wear shorts a lot), it really sucks. I got the nickname Sassy, as in Sasquatch. As soon as I got a part-time job and could afford it, I started getting waxed all over. Now I’m 16 and hair free, but everyone still calls me Sassy. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! How can I make them stop?
ED REPLIES:
Well, I know that the name brings back bad memories, but look at it as a badge of pride that you dealt with the situation. Besides, nicknames are usually affectionate, and since you aren’t hairy any longer, I don’t think the name still has much to do with that. But don’t worry, eventually you’ll go to college and leave these idiots behind.
Faze Reader:
I started smoking and I have to hide it from my parents. Any tips on how to get rid of the smoke smell? I figure you should know.
ED REPLIES:
The smartest way to get rid of the smoke smell is to get rid of the smokes. Don’t use me as an example. I’m a puppet. I don’t have lungs, and I’m accustomed to being offensive to the people around me. Smoking is just stupid. Cancer is not pretty.
Faze Reader:
I think I’m the only kid left in the universe who doesn’t have a cellphone. My mom says I don’t need one, but come on! Everyone has one. Sometimes other kids make fun of me and say stuff like, “Hey, call me later, if you’re near a pay phone.” How can I convince my mom that I just have to have one?
ED REPLIES:
Well, first you have to convince me that you need one. I see teenagers walking around gabbing on cellphones and I wonder who the h@## they need to talk to at every waking moment. I consider my cellphone to be a leash, not a liberty. But you may want to point out to your mother that, for security reasons, it’s good to have access to a cellphone in case of emergencies. Play on the current parental trend toward complete irrational fear. It may work.
Faze Reader:
My friend’s a picker. She picks at her ears, her eyes, her nose, zits, stuff in her teeth, and, of course, her ass. I can’t stand it! It is soooo gross. I never see her wash her hands or anything. I know that everyone picks at stuff sometimes, but she’s outta control. Should I stop being her friend?
ED REPLIES:
Depends…Is your friend a chimpanzee? If not, you should take her to the zoo and show her the difference between chimps and higher primates. Or recommend that she see a doctor—she likely has a nervous condition that’s treatable.
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend just told me that he’s got new rules—that he only wants to be friends with benefits from now on. He says that I shouldn’t get mad or jealous if I see him with someone else because it won’t be anything serious, he’s just having fun, and they don’t mean anything to him. He also says that I can’t say he’s my boyfriend anymore. I love him and don’t know what I should do. Should I be mature about it and say “okay” and act like everything’s cool?
ED REPLIES:
You should be mature about it and kick him to the curb. Period.
Faze Reader:
I really like this guy. I’ve actually liked him for a long time, but he doesn’t seem to notice me at all. Sure, maybe he’ll say “hi” in the hall or something, but that’s it. And I’m kinda nervous to talk to him if he doesn’t say something first. What should I do? What should I say to him? Do you think he notices me?
ED REPLIES:
If you don’t know if he notices you, how am I supposed to know? You don’t need me, you need the Psychic Network Hotline. And apparently so does he, since you haven’t given him any indication that you’re interested, yet you still hope that he’ll suddenly start talking to you. My advice? If you have any friends in common, pass a hint through them. Failing that, have you tried smiling at him?
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