In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send in your own questions and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.
ISSUE #9 Q & A
Faze Reader:
I’ve known this girl since grade three and we’re 16 now. She keeps trying to hang out with me and my new friends. She’s nice and everything but she’s sooo not cool and dresses like a loser. How do I get her to get lost?
ED REPLIES:
Just point out to her that you’re a vapid, shallow, insecure moron who cares more about the content of someone’s closet than the content of their character. She probably won’t stick around much longer.
Faze Reader:
My friend’s family has three cats. They lavish them with every feline luxury imaginable. The amount of money they spend on their cats is unbelievable and I know they give donations to animal shelters. Should it bother me that her animals live better than many humans?
ED REPLIES:
I think Mark Twain said it best: “The more people I meet, the more I like animals.” The more I work in TV, the more I agree with him. Remember, feline luxury pretty much consists of catnip toys and a sunbeam through the window: not that big a deal. Besides, companion animals are proven effective for stress relief, so it’s better than your friends spending their money on drugs.
Faze Reader:
This girl, who pretends to be my friend, constantly makes me feel like an out-of-touch wannabe. Whenever I wear something that I think looks great, she says something like, “I stopped wearing my stuff like that last year.” I never know what to say.
ED REPLIES:
I can think of two words to say, but we can’t publish one of them here. The question isn’t what you should say, but why you’re even letting her hang around-or even more importantly, why you’re letting someone who you know isn’t someone you respect affect your sense of self. She can’t make you feel anything: you have to let her. And besides, fashion is cyclical-you’re just ahead of the trend.
Faze Reader:
My friend and I have the same pair of very cool boots (that I bought first and she copied!). She has the nerve to call me to tell me not to wear mine when she wants to wear hers. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
There are people living on the streets, children going to bed hungry, wars, famine, terrorism…and you’re worried about a pair of boots? Maybe you and your friend should arrange a schedule so you don’t wear the same boots on the same day, and then also take turns being thankful that this is the biggest problem you have to face in your sheltered little lives.
Faze Reader:
My younger brother is kinda cute I guess and lately I’ve noticed some of my friends hanging out with him when they supposedly came over to hang with me. I would be totally grossed out if one of my friends ever dated him! Should I tell them not to go there or should I warn my brother!
ED REPLIES:
Warn your brother? What kind of friends are you hanging around with? Besides, if he’s like most adolescent guys, he won’t be able to hear your warning over the rush of hormones he gets when a girl even looks in his direction. You may want to point out to your friends that boys mature more slowly than girls – when they mature at all-so though he’s cute as a puppy, nobody likes to be stuck with the house-training. Or you could just show them his room and his dirty underwear…that should end their interest.
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend is really cute and I’m definitely into him but he doesn’t have a great voice and he likes to sing when we’re around my friends. But that’s not the problem, he sings stuff from the BSB and *NSYNC!! How do I get him to change his tune?
ED REPLIES:
Well, I don’t know how old he is, but chances are when puberty finally changes his voice he won’t be able to match the notes in BSB songs anymore. If you can’t wait that long, have your friends tell him he sucks, so he’ll hate them and not you. Remember, discretion is the better part of valour.
Get Ed’s compilation CD, Featuring “songs that don’t suck”
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, Live On Release and more)
Read a ton from Ed The Sock and his partner Red RIGHT HERE at faze.ca/ask-ed
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