Ask Ed The Sock 6: Smoking Boyfriends, Trashing Boy Bands, Curfews, Bad Drunks, Threatening Fans And More...

In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE, our readers bare their souls to Ed The Sock & Red, Canada’s high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red’s unfettered and heartfelt replies.

Send in your own questions and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.

ISSUE #6 Q & A

Faze Reader:
My boyfriend smokes and I hate it! He says he’ll stop if you do. So, whaddya say? Not to mention you’re setting a bad example!

ED REPLIES:
Tell yer boyfriend that I don’t really smoke, since I have no lungs. He’ll understand that, since he has no brain. Or you can dump the stupid jackass and find someone who can think for himself.

As for setting a bad example, do people run off cliffs expecting to float until they look down, because Wile E. Coyote does? Does Superman set a bad example because he encourages people to jump off buildings? Natural selection exists for a purpose.

Faze Reader:
What’s up with trashing boy bands? Music is all about money these days, so they make music that will make money. What’s wrong with that? If someone offered you tons of cash to sing and hop around on stage you’d do it too!

ED REPLIES:
Yes, I would, and people would rightfully make fun of me as well. If boy bands were honest and called themselves ‘entertainers’ instead of pretending to be people with any shred of musical talent, I might go easier on them. Mostly, I object to the way the record companies have turned music from heartfelt expressions of artists into another corporate Happy Meal – processed like cheese food, slick as plastic and devoid of artistry. And the big boy band hits you listen to on the radio are practically all written by the same forty-year-old guy. Why aren’t you screaming for him?

For the record, I don’t just trash boy bands — Limp Bizkit and Eminem piss me off for the exact same reasons.

Faze Reader:
I’m 16 and my curfew is still only 10pm. This is totally ruining my social life. How do I get my parents to see the light?

ED REPLIES:
Listen, curfews suck big time, but there’s an upside to them. It means that your parents actually care, unlike so many parents who let their kids run around like savages from Lord of the Flies. Trust me, in the end, you’re better off.

As to why they won’t let you have a later curfew…well, maybe they’re remembering what they were like at your age, which makes you wonder what kind of trouble they were into. Try introducing them to your friends so they know the crowd you’re running with (bad idea if the kids are morons, but then you should dump them anyway).

The most important thing is this: if you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. Show your parents (and yourself) that you can make responsible decisions, and maybe they’ll loosen the reins a bit. Coming home blitzed and puking up vodka coolers for 3 hours is not the way to earn their trust. . . believe me.

Faze Reader:
My friends and I have been known to down a couple drinks…however, one buddy can’t seem to hold his liquor and is constantly acting like an idiot when he’s had too many. I don’t want to sound like his keeper but how do I get him to take it easy without sounding like his mom?

ED REPLIES:
Next time he’s drunk, take some embarrassing pictures of him with an inflatable sheep and post them around the school. Trust me, he’ll watch himself after that.

Faze Reader:
What has been your most embarrassing moment on air?

ED REPLIES:
MUCHMusic SPORTS DAY!

Faze Reader:
If you could spend your entire show trashing someone who would it be and why?

ED REPLIES:
IF I could? Have you seen my show? What is it that you think I do? But I really can’t stand Britney Spears. I have this aversion to girls who act like tramps then preach innocence. It’s called ‘hypocrisy’, look it up. Plus, fake boobs are not the way to go.

Faze Reader:
You do a lot of celeb bashing. Have you ever been threatened by one of their over-protective fans?

ED REPLIES:
Yes, several times. But it’s hard to feel threatened by a mob of angry 12 year-old *NSync fans. They can’t do a drive-by shooting unless Dad is driving.

Faze Reader:
What is your fave T.V. show?

ED REPLIES:
Touched By An Angel. Ha! Just kidding. I don’t believe in having one favourite of anything. But I really like Dark Angel, NYPD Blue, Sanford & Son reruns and anything I’m on.

Get Ed’s compilation CD, Featuring “songs that don’t suck”
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, Live On Release and more)